Quatre R. Winner and Other Warped Fairy Tales™
by JC Maxwell-Yuy
Summary: Another part added: More Relena-bashing and humor!!! OK... it's a REALLY WARPED version of some hand game rhymes and fairy tales/weird short stories i just made up. warnings: yaoi and some relena bashing
1. The Story Book Opens...

Quatre R. Winner and Other Warped Fairy Tales™

By: JC Maxwell-Yuy

________________________________________________________________________ 

JC: Ohayo!

Solo: Welcome to the Wonderful World of Warped Fairy Tales™!

JC: But yet, still I don't own anything, not the GW characters, nothing.

Solo: It's so sad though…

JC: What is?  
Solo: The… the… WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

JC: I need a new muse.

Solo: WHAT? (chases JC)

________________________________________________________________________ 

JC: And now here's our first parody of a hand game!

****

Quatre R. Winner

My name is Quatre R. Winner,

I live in a mansion.

My father died in an explosion,

My mother died giving birth.

My sisters stalked my boyfriend,

His name is T. Barton.

They made me do the dishes,

They made me do the floors,

They made me do their gross panties so I kicked them out the door.

I turned into ZERO,

I kicked them to L-5.

I destroyed them all with my Sandrock,

And that's why the heir is ME!

JC: Wow… talk about issues.

Solo: He looks so innocent.

Quatre: My sisters… they must be… eliminated for what they did to me! (runs off wearing a frilly pink dress) Oh CURSE MY BEAUTIFUL LOOKS!

JC: If you ask me, he's a bit vain. And now it's time for…

****

Miss Relena's Great Adventure to Never-Never Land

Once upon a time in a land so far away, there was a girl named Relena, but everyone called her Miss Relena.

One day, while venturing through the woods, she came upon a cottage, of which she stole some porridge from. She then sat down on a conveniently placed tuffet and started eating. Then along came a Heero spider and sat down beside her. Miss Relena got up and grabbed the spider, calling it cute. 

The spider didn't find this blonde human amusing and bit her, then ran off to find a very large bottle of mouthwash. Miss Relena ran back home, claiming that she had pricked her finger on a spinning wheel and would die on her sixteenth birthday. 

She then fainted in the garden, tears running down her cheeks and ruining her mascara. Her fairy godmother, Dorothy appeared and turned a squash and five cockroaches into a horse drawn carriage complete with man-slaves. 

Relena was driven to the local palace ball still unconscious. She was then dumped unceremoniously on the palace steps and left there just as Wufei-rella ran away from Prince Treize at the stroke of midnight. 

Wufei-rella didn't look where he was going and lost a glass slipper when the heel got lodged up the unconscious Miss Relena's nose. 

Unfortunately for Prince Treize, it took him a good two hours to get the bugars and other unmentionable snot off of the heel before going off to search for his mystery 'girl/date/boy-dressed-in-drag-for-the-sake-of-insanity™'. Needless to say, Relena was tossed aside into the nearby spooky woods along with the rest of the royal kitchen slop and caterer trash.

When our little Miss Relena woke up, she wandered the woods until she bumped into a peddler with severe braids and glasses. The peddler got upset and practically shoved a bright red apple down Miss Relena's throat, causing her to be put into a deep sleep. 

"Oh DRAT! And that was for Princess Lucrezia Noin and those damn blasted Chibis!" the peddler screamed for a good ten minutes since her only poison apple was now gone. As a consolation, she robbed Miss Relena of her skipping rope and money, and cast a 'poor' spell over her. 

The 'poor' Miss Relena was eventually found by a group of very old scientists J, G, S, H, and O. They took the 'sleeping' Miss Relena to their little hut on a desert isle where no one ever heard from them again.

And the Heero spider went up the spout again. 

Solo: What was that?  


JC: Not one of the better ones, I'm afraid.

Heero: Why am I the spider?

JC: …

Heero: Why? Why? YOU MUST TELL ME!

JC: (slaps Heero's back) There was one on your back.

Heero: Oh. (falls unconscious)

Solo: I think you hit him a tad too hard.

JC: Oops, that's the two hundredth and second time.

Solo: Yeah, you did it again.

JC: Should I call an ambulance?

Solo: Nah, he'd probably hijack it like the last forty or so.

****

Zechs-ohontas

There was a beautiful Indian prince named Zechs-ohontas. Now Zechs-ohontas liked to jump off waterfalls and cliffs, so one day…

"GGGGEEEEEERRRRRRROOOOOOONNNNNNIIIIIIIIMMMMMMOOOOOO…. Wait, what am I saying? The guy wasn't even born yet!" Zechs-ohontas spent the last ten seconds of his life deciding what to yell before he hit the ground and was later pronounced dead.

Dead? Hardly. When Zechs-ohontas woke up, he found himself kissing a frog. The frog changed into a very angry Miss Relena and several fans waving signs that said 'Incest is WRONG!'

By the time Zechs-ohontas ran the Indiana 500, he was exhausted. So then he went to London and married the King. 

King Wufei and his lovely Queen Treize were VERY happy with this new addition to the family be… er… line.

Solo: Now that was just demented!

JC: I'm on a bad streak, so sue me.

Solo: You have nothing I want.

JC: How true. So anyway, who are we torturing next?  


Solo: Sally.

JC: Sally Po, TALLY HO!

****

There Was a 'Little' Girl, Who…

There was a little girl, 

who had big croissant curls, 

on either side of her forehead.

When she was good, 

She was very, very, good.

When she got provoked, 

SHE BLEW THINGS UP!

And when she was happy,

ALL THE LIPSTICK AND EYELINER AT THE MALL GOT MARKED ½ OFF!

And yes, when she was bad…

Oh, god, words cannot describe her…

HORRID BED-HEAD HAIR™ IN THE MORNING!

Solo: You were kidding about that 'Tally ho!' thing, right?  


JC: I don't even … let's just say I'd rather not talk about WHY I even said it.

Solo: It was that 'Taily Po' story, wasn't it?

JC: I didn't think that Sally would want her tail cut off and eaten by some strange man.

Sally: You're darn right! I'm MUCH too good for that.

Solo: I see where you get the horrid part from.

JC: Yep.

****

I LOVE DOROTHY!

"DOROTHY! YOU GOT SOME 'SPLAININ' TO DO!"

JC: Short, but really lame.

Solo: So those oldies TV shows ARE good for SOMETHING.

JC: Aa… well, that's the end of this chapter…

Heero: I'm going to make sure this is the only chapter.

JC: Guess Hee-chan doesn't like it. Oh well, I just LLLOOOOOVVVVEEEEEEE 2x1 fics…..

Heero: (blanches) On second thought, I love this fic!

JC: (thinks) Should I?  


Solo: Give the guy a break.

JC: …

****

Windmill Syndrome

Once upon a time… there was a boy named Heero who worked at a flourmill. One fateful day, a beautiful braided, yet baka boy named Duo came to the mill for some flour.

"Oh miller! Oh miller! Give me flour, for I must bake a cake!" Duo called through the door.

"Hn. Just don't add too much baking powder." Heero said and grabbed Duo's butt as payment for the flour.

"EEP! OK, perverted miller, I will never come back again!" Duo said and pranced away, spilling flour everywhere.

The next day…

"Oh miller! Oh miller! I didn't listen to you! I added to much baking powder and now my cake is ruined! Give me some flour, for I must bake another cake!" Duo called through the door.

"Hn. Just don't add gunpowder, or it will explode." Heero said and groped Duo as payment for the flour.

"EEP! You sick, perverted miller, I will never come back again!" Duo sang and twirled away, sprinkling flour all over the daisies.

The next day…

"Oh miller! Oh miller! I didn't listen to you! My house blew up last night; I don't know what to do! Now I am homeless, may I please sleep with you?" Duo called through the door.

"Hn." Heero pulled Duo inside, thus solving Quatre and Trowa's 'why won't my daisies grow problem™'. 

JC: …

Solo: I am never going near a windmill again.

JC: You said it.

Solo: …

JC: Well…

Heero: Flour is a terrible lubricant.

JC: (sweatdrops) Gross! You did NOT have to share.

Heero: Hn. (licks frosting off his fingers) Duo is good covered in frosting.

Solo: Now that you can share with all of us.

JC: … Well, this is the end, for now… I hope… I guess…

Solo: You mean you don't want to hear about the frosting?!

________________________________________________________________________ 

JC: I know, I know, it sucked.

Solo: JC LOVE FEEDBACK. 

JC: Yep! I love it when you people tell me what you think or like about my work because then I feel inspired to write more for you!

Solo: See you next time!


	2. Miss Relena in Warped Fairy Tale Land......

Miss Relena in Warped Fairy Tale Land… Again  
  
By: JC Maxwell-Yuy  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
JC: And here's another warped parody of fairy tales.  
  
Solo: The first one was so pretty you couldn't stop?  
  
JC: … the first one was quite lovely actually…  
  
Solo: But as usual, JC doesn't own Gundam Wing or its characters and never ever will. … never-never-never-land-of-cotton-candy is supposed to be lovely this time of year.  
  
JC: I know. Pack your bags.  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
1.1 Once Upon My Ruffles and Pink Lipstick…  
  
2  
  
3 Once upon anudda time, there was a…  
  
Heero: Wait a second. Wait a second. That's too boring.  
  
JC: Nani?  
  
Heero: That's a standard OP. Here let's just say… (whisper, whisper)  
  
JC: Uh huh. All right. From the top!  
  
And the story began, oh, say, some time before people had the sense to say when the story actually started and…  
  
JC: HEY! THIS STINKS!  
  
Heero: NANI?  
  
JC: You heard me. That's terrible.  
  
Heero: Are you saying that my lines SUCK?  
  
JC: No! Duo spilled coffee on his skirt.  
  
Heero: Oh.  
  
Dorothy: We're gonna have to do a costume change! I CAN'T WORK WITH THIS!  
  
JC: Nani?!  
  
Dorothy: The ruffles… DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE DAMNED RUFFLES! I HATE THE RUFFLES!  
  
JC: …  
  
Relena: My lipstick! It's all the wrong color! IF YOU WANT PEOPLE TO HATE THIS OUTFIT IT ABSOLUTELY HAS TO BE HORRIBLE-SHADED-JADED-DUMBO-PINK™!  
  
JC: I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS! AAAAHHHHHH!!! (runs off to cry in Trowa's dressing room)  
  
Dorothy: I think that was planned.  
  
Duo: You THINK?  
  
Relena: Welcome to a whole new experience Miss Dorothy.  
  
Dorothy: Shut up.  
  
  
  
3.1.1 Follow the Trail of Yellow Peacocks  
  
After her last adventure into the warped land of the fairly tales, Miss Relena was hospitalized for nearly … … OK, one day, but only to keep the story moving along.  
  
Later, after her release from the mental institute, Miss Relena went outside and played in a stream. Unfortunately, for her, the stream was an enchanted gateway to the warped lands of the… PEACOCK PEOPLE! So, like all little missies, she slipped on a wet rock and fell into the Warp-Hole-That- Takes-You-to-the-Land-of-Bird-and-Squirrel-People™.  
  
When she awoke, Miss Relena discovered she was being robbed blind… BY A WHITE BUNNY IN SPANDEX SHORTS!  
  
"Hey! That's my Crown-that-belongs-to-the-Ruler-of-the-Land™!" Miss Relena cried and a tug-of-war enthused, the spandex bunny obviously winning and scampering off into the foliage that consisted of rainbow pudding and brussel sprouts.  
  
Not wanting the spandex bunny to get away with her Crown-that-belongs- to-the-Ruler-of-the-Land™, Relena followed the bunny, leaving her oxford shoes behind in the dreadful rainbow pudding.  
  
After ten miles of walking through the endless, glittery, girly sludge, Miss Relena came upon a tribal village of… THE PEACOCK PEOPLE!  
  
The natives of the village weren't to thrilled with this high-strung woman with delusions of having a spandex bunny to take home with her, and thus locked her away in a dungeon, where all the spiders and rats came and stole more precious jewelry from her and sold it on the black market. Of course, Miss Relena scratched and clawed at the bars, but it only ruined her manicure, which was very expensive and didn't even look nice.  
  
"MY HAIR IS GONNA BRUISE!" was all the little people of the peacock village could squawk. And they did so very loudly…  
  
Before long, Miss Relena's ears were SO sore that she had to dunk her head under water to calm her nerves… but the 'water' was really the Peacock People's year supply of 2X1 doujinshi, so she ran screaming and covering her poor, virgin, but-not-so-innocent-eyes toward the sunset to grandma's house…  
  
"Is that my cue?"  
  
"No. Not yet."  
  
"This isn't funny." Trowa glared at JC and the trussed up Relena before them.  
  
"But you're the only one who can be a wolf." JC protests, then turns and snickers.  
  
"I really don't think the Wolf-Suit-that-makes-Bang-Boys-Look-like- Little-Kiddies-in-Wolf-PJs™ was necessary." Trowa glanced down at the furry booties on his feet.  
  
JC: (deathglare)  
  
Trowa: EEP!  
  
Heero: Can I take off the bunny suit? Duo's looking at me very strangely and … IS STALKING ME WITH A GOOFY HUNTING HAT ON HIS HEAD! AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! (runs off)  
  
JC: ???  
  
Trowa: ???  
  
Duo: Be VEEEEERRRRRRRYYY VVVVVEEEEEERRRRRYYY QUIET! I'm hunting Hee-chan.  
  
JC: (face-faults and falls over)  
  
Trowa: …  
  
Duo: TALLY HO!  
  
Sally: I just heard that rabbits were in season.  
  
Noin: Gimme the skinny. HEY! I'm trying to play through here! CADDY! (walks past with golf club)  
  
JC: How the hell did all you people get here?  
  
Noin: Oh… ZECHS! I WANT THAT BALL ON THE TEE NNNNOOOOOWWWW!  
  
Sally: I just followed Duo because that was my gun. I swear, that boy has no manners.  
  
Trowa: He's a thief.  
  
Sally: Oh.  
  
Trowa: I'm sure he'll bring it back.  
  
JC: Anyway…  
  
So Miss Relena was left bound and gagged in the Fairy-Princess-Like- Tower for the rest of the day while JC and Trowa went outside to watch Noin play golf. Sally Po forgot about rabbit season and decided to become a vegetarian. Duo chased Bunny-Heero, who was hopping through the forest, and scooped him up and… well, you get the picture.  
  
Heero: And we lived happily ever after!  
  
JC: RRRIIIIGGGGHHHHTTTT…  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
JC: Well… please R&R!  
  
Solo: JC loves feedback! GIVE THE AUTHOR FEEDBACK!  
  
JC: …  
  
-  
  
Unfortunately, I got no votes for my song poll, so it's just gonna be… undecided.  
  
Heero: Nani?  
  
Duo: But… but…  
  
JC: Forget it, it's not gonna happen. Sorry. 


End file.
